The Healing Singing Enigma

A personal history.

In July 1989 a friend of mine  was diagnosed with Aids. He was not only  struggling with his illness but he also had to deal with  the paranoid  and hysterical reactions of his medical group to his illness. He was a physician, an eye surgeon, he was given one option by the group which was to retire as soon as possible. He had worked for many years to achieve his professional status. His instinct was to fight for what he believed was his rightful place among other physicians.  He was going to sue his medical group to continue his practice. He weighed all the issues very carefully. I remember he was in deep distress.

     At about the same time he came upon a place called The Manhattan Center for Living which was an outreach center for those living with life threatening illness. His experience there would alter his perspective on life and radically change his course of action. He attended a group called the Healing Singing group.  It was formed so people could sing together for a couple of hours, and let go for a little while. He didn't understand why, but he felt his experience in this group was different from other groups and urged me to come with him.  I wouldn't go.  I wasn't  interested in singing anymore. I wasn't sick and felt I'd be using the group for the wrong purposes.

      He continued to attend the singing group for the next few months and related stories to me about the people in the group. He was told about a book called "A Course in Miracles" which was the driving force behind the founding of the Manhattan Center. He got the book and began to relate what he was reading about. His enthusiasm for the book and its' concepts became evident. He began to change. The burden of the  issues he faced somehow lifted.  He expressed  joy, his creativity flourished...he started painting and working on songs. It was then he changed his mind about suing the medical group and accepted the retirement package (on his terms not on theirs) and had a new perspective on life.  He said, he couldn't blame the group for their reaction to his illness because they were afraid.  He was learning how to forgive and didn't want to leave the world with unresolved resentment or to fight to uphold an identity he no longer needed. He began to express so much love it was remarkable and blessed everyone he crossed paths with. The love was genuine, not forced . It was the most beautiful, and profound change I had ever experienced in another human being. He  became a living saint, my inspiration, my spiritual role model.  I began to study A Course in Miracles too.

     I finally made the plunge and  went with him to the Healing Singing  group.  When I first moved to Manhattan I was a singer. I hadn't sung for many years and went to the group carrying anger from negative experiences  in show business that had crushed my desire to sing. I  felt accepted in the group. I didn't know why,  but I kept going back week after week with my friend. I cried a lot. My love for singing began to blossom again. My voice improved.  I realized that singing was the medium but love was the vehicle. There was a  presence in the room. It was a hidden underlying, presence. I don't  remember anyone in the room ever telling me that they loved me; not even my friend. But I felt it. I had never felt so loved. 

    We had nothing to gain by going to Healing Singing from the "worlds" point of view. There was no money to earn and no one was falling down at our feet telling us how talented we were but somehow it seemed to be the most important activity in our lives.

    The people in the room were so interesting, so honest! They had a lot to say through music and they said it with conviction and with truth. There were expressions of sadness and of joy.  The courage, vulnerability and openness of the others became the mirror into which I peered to learn about myself .  

    After I was in the group for about a year the facilitator (Ellie Ellsworth the founder of Healing Singing) asked me if  I would fill in for her the following week. I said, no way! Just the thought of it sent chills down my spine.  I did not have any experience in such things, didn't want to lead any group.  I was sure my large ego would prompt me to say things that were inappropriate.  I was too self involved and immature for the job at least that was the way I saw myself back then. Ellie was always loving and supportive were I was concerned and I guess she saw something in me that I didn't see in myself so she didn't accept my reasons. I actually still refused on that day.  A few days later my friend called me. He and I had a long discussion and he suggested that my fears were precisely the reason to take a chance. He said he had faith in me and that I would rise to the occasion.  Eventually...with fear and trembling... I agreed to do the group, one time only.

     I did the group and leading the group was a life changing experience for me!  I had the opportunity to give service to others.  Focusing on the needs of others I forgot about myself. For many years I was purely self involved. I was a Thespian. Wasn't that what people in the arts did?   Worked on themselves all the time?  This time I had to put my needs on the back burner, and truthfully, I didn't know what I was doing. From moment to moment I had to go inside myself for answers, to lean on my higher power  every moment. I surrendered!  In the midst of the excitement in the room I began to experience a deep settled calm; my mind took a back seat. It was as if I had become transparent, not attached to anything, only a witness to what was happening. I was more aware, more connected to the others than before yet...invisible. I felt very safe, it was as if I had come home to myself!   What a great experience!

      Surrendering to the wisdom of others, and putting my needs on  the shelf, changed my life and its' direction forever. Never having the capacity to drench another with love in the conventional sense, I learned through Healing Singing that love had many faces. My kind of love had a transparent quality. How was it that this silly singing group could have such a profound effect, first on my friends life, and then on mine? Well, the answer would take many more pages of words to attempt to explain what probably can't be explained.

    I write this brief history of my experience with Healing Singing more than ten years after the fact. I'm compelled to write about. I'm compelled to keep the group alive. I have  pondered the effect of Healing Singing and "The  Course" on people's lives. The questions that arise can only be answered between words, between thoughts, within the heart, where the thinking reasoning mind is not allowed to travel. Healing Singing is as enigmatic as the silence between two musical notes. It was within the silence, between the music, that my friend found a new outlook on life. He left this existence more a prophet than a surgeon. I endeavor to follow his beacon of light and continue to do the group (in my unusual, unconventional way) listening to the silence and hopefully growing ever increasingly transparent.

Robert Oliver